Psychobabble, Scars
by Astarpen
Summary: The consequences of Layers of the Heart. Miranda needs help dealing with what happened to her and Shepard...well she'll be dragged to face her own personal demons. And maybe along the way they will fix their strained relationship.
1. Chapter 1: Shepard Session 1

**A/N: You will notice a change of style in this chapter, this isn't exactly permanent but it will be featured throughout the story, where I will switch from Jade to Miranda as they deal with the consequences of Layers of the Heart in 'therapy'. And I do realize that this probably isn't how a therapy session goes but...well you will see there will be a difference between how Kelly handles Jade and how she handles Miranda.  
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"I don't know why I'm here."

"Commander Shepard you display bouts of paranoia, intermittent explosive disorder, bouts of depression, chronic insomnia and what I can only assume to be borderline narcissistic personality disorder."

Jade Shepard was quiet for a moment and then she shrugged,"All of them may be true but I still don't know why I'm here. Saviours of the galaxy aren't forced to go to therapy."

"Were you not the one, who wanted me to conduct psychological testing on the whole crew? You even volunteered to go first."

Jade snorted derisively, "I did this to set 'a good example' for the crew."

"In other words Miranda Lawson made you."

"Miranda can't make me do anything. We aren't even together, I'm keeping things professional. She suggested that we make sure that everyone on board was at least combat ready after their terrifying ordeal at the Collector base. PTSD is not exactly good for the ships morale. It was a good suggestion and given what she went through I allowed it."

"So you think that you're fine."

"My work hasn't suffered, my interpersonal relationships aren't suffering, so yes I think I'm fine," Jade responded testily.

There was a pause, "Clearly I've forgotten to add delusional to the list."

Jade scowled, "What's that supposed to mean?"

A smile, it was irritating, "Are you happy?"

"No, at this moment in time I feel like killing someone."

"Do you think that's healthy?"

"Well I'll feel better and you clearly won't be bothering any more so the source of my irritation would be gone."

"Are you always this confrontational?"

"Are you always this annoying? What do you want to do talk to me about my parents? My childhood? I don't want to be 'fixed'."

"So you don't want to be happy? Is it because you don't think you deserve the chance?"

This time Jade frowned, "I didn't say that. I said clearly that I don't want to be fixed."

"You also didn't answer my original question. Are you happy?"

"Yes." Her answer was simple and to the point, she wanted to leave. "Now that we've established that I'm as happy can I go now?"

"You have been free to leave at any given time," was her only response and Jade immediately shot up. Hazel eyes danced in amusement, "However I'd be forced to inform Miranda that you refused to cooperate." Jade stopped at the door and it was clear she was running an internal debate. "I think she'll be disappointed she did after all want you to join her for a few of her sessions."

Jade turned around, "Were you supposed to tell me that?" She didn't receive a reply and another scowl returned to her face, "This is coercion, aren't you supposed to take some vows or some shit to not do coerce your patients?" Again there was no answer, just another irritating smile and she growled lowly before taking a seat in the chair. "Fine, I'll bloody cooperate with you as well."

The smile simply grew bigger, "Shall we begin again?" There was a nod after a moment from Jade, "So like I was saying earlier are you against this whole process because you do believe that you deserve to be happy?"

Jade frowned, "I thought we already established that this was not the case, I am happy." This time a nod and Jade could detect almost a hint of condescension. "What?"

"You aren't happy."

"Well I was just coerced into being psychoanalyzed, I don't think most people would be happy," Jade shot back.

"I meant in general, since you and Miranda returned to the ship there has been a marked change in behaviour, you seem more easily agitated."

"I don't know the fact that I'm struggling to save a galaxy, which doesn't want to be saved. The Alliance will soon want to collect on my debt for you know borrowing the Fifth Fleet; I've suddenly realized just that allowing the Rachni Queen to live might have been the biggest mistake I've made. Agitated doesn't even begin to cover it, I wouldn't be half as worried if the Council for once in their miserable existence just took something I said on faith. I'd also be slightly less agitated if people could fix their own god damn problems."

"And yet this has never bothered you before, this was always the situation. It hasn't changed and you are aware it hasn't changed, so clearly this isn't the real reason for the source of your anger." Jade shrugged in response. "Does it have anything to do with Miranda Lawson."

"Miranda made her decision and you know exactly what she's been through, at least I assume you do. I don't want to push her, so no it has nothing to do with Miranda."

"Do you miss her?"

"She's on the ship, I see her daily. What's to miss?"

It was an obvious feint, which highlighted her feelings on the subject, "The fact that she isn't in your bed every night, and the fact that you want to do something to help but she refuses to let you. You want to be there for her in her time of need but Miranda is clear that she wants do this by herself. Am I getting close?" Her fingers began to tap rapidly against the arm of the chair and she shifted several times, a classic sign of agitation. She was getting close. "Or is that you look at her and you see everything that happened to her and find yourself disgusted... or maybe it is that you worry that she thinks of you as The Illusive Man, which is why she avoids your looks, your touch, the slight hint of fear in her eyes when she looks at you." the tapping stopped and her eyes flashed.

"I am not the Illusive Man," her voice was cold icy even, the questions should have stopped her tone had indicated that this vein of the conversation was over. And yet the questions persisted.

"Are you not, you share the same ruthlessness don't you? The same drive to get the job done no matter what the cost. You manipulate situations to your advantage, the Quarians for example. If all else fails you won't hesitate to bully your way to get what you want. You withhold information when it suits you."

"I am not the Illusive man," Jade repeated. "I still have some humanity, I show mercy at times when I shouldn't. I released the Rachni not because they could possibly be used later, like the Illusive Man might have done, I released them because I didn't want to commit genocide. I feel guilt he doesn't. I could go on, but let this be clear I would never do what he did to Miranda."

"I know but you must realize that Miranda went through great trauma, you can't expect her to simply just get over it. Not everyone is as strong as you," a derisive snort escaped from Shepard's lips. "Is something wrong?"

"My mother made the same comment."

"She sounds wise."

Jade shrugged in response, "I thought that this was supposed to make me feel better or at least be somewhat cathartic."

"That takes time Commander; I can't help you in one hour long session."

Jade got up turning around and heading to the door, "I suppose. I still maintain I don't need your help, and your efforts were better suited to simply helping Miranda," with that she left the room.


	2. Chapter 2: Lawson Session 1

**A/N: Shorter chapters with more dialogue more exploration of how the character feels, this is what this story is going to be. Quantity doesn't necessarily mean quality, short vignettes are better suited to the chapters where I explore both Miranda's and Shepard's feelings. And I think I already established that Shepard doesn't want to go to therapy, her sessions will be slightly shorter than Miranda's sessions. Anyway if you love it, if you hate it this style in particularly let me know by simply reviewing. And before I continue yes you really should read Layers of the Heart otherwise you will be lost, so if you haven't go back read it and then read this chapter.  
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"I am aware of the statistics, the percentage of women who get raped on Earth," Miranda began. She was quiet for a moment as if gathering her thoughts, "I can crush a mech with my biotics, not to mention what I could do to the human body, and failing that I can shoot it's head off at 100 yards. I have all the tools to protect myself and yet I was rendered helpless, because I blindly trusted him. When he offered me my old job back I should have just turned it down and figured things out with Shepard. She would have never have trusted him."

"Shepard never trusted him, but you did. He took you in when you were still a teenager; he helped protect you from your father. He had done everything in his power to earn your trust, to earn your loyalty. You couldn't have known that he was capable of this. You may be genetically perfect but you do not have precognition Miranda."

"I'm not a stupid person; I should have known that there would have been consequences for betraying the Illusive Man that he wouldn't take me back without there being some serious repercussions. And I did know exactly what he was capable off, I've worked with him for most of my life, I've seen him do so much worse all in the name of the preservation of humanity. To think that he was not capable of this would be a lie; I was arrogant to believe that he still needed me."

"Didn't he? He did all this to ensure your loyalty to make sure you wouldn't betray him again."

Miranda gave a derisive snort, "Surely you don't really believe that do you Kelly?"

There was a smile, a small one, "You caught me, and it was but a simple ploy to boost your confidence."

A sardonic smile appeared on Miranda's face, it had been a nice attempt even if it had been easily seen through, "I was a consolation prize for the Illusive Man, or worse bait, and you've read Shepard's mission reports, she was always the target. Why settle for second best when you can have the best being forced under your command, to have Shepard firmly under your command, firmly loyal to you and whatever your cause maybe."

"And that bothers you?"

Miranda paused, "Maybe a while back it did but no longer."

"Would you care to elaborate?"

Miranda looked at Kelly studying her, "At the beginning I didn't understand why the Illusive Man placed so much importance on Shepard, to retrieve her body and then bring her back from the dead. There was much better ways to spend 4 billion credits," There was a choking noise and Miranda's eyes flicked over to Kelly. "Is there a problem?"

"Shepard's worth 4 billion credits?"

Miranda smiled, "You think she's worth less?" Kelly opened her mouth to protest that wasn't what she meant but Miranda continued anyway cutting her off, "Virtually unlimited resources were poured into reviving Shepard. It was needed when we found her she was nothing more than meat and bones, she was unrecognizable and we couldn't even tell what her sex was."

"You do good work."

"Damn good work," she repeated and there was an air of haughtiness in the reply. "But we've digressed from the issue at hand, I was skeptical at first that Shepard was that important, and I argued with the Illusive Man that we needed a contingency plan if Shepard didn't agree to work for us," Miranda looked away, "I suggest implanting her with the same control chip. I was wrong, Shepard is special. She doesn't look at a situation and think that it's impossible, and even if she can't think of some plan, she still wouldn't give up. If there is a way to save everyone, then you know Shepard will find it even whatever the cost. She rushed into save you and the crew as soon as she found out. I couldn't even get her to slow down; she risked the whole mission to save you. She risked even more coming to save me. To have her fully committed to anything, well you'd never lose with her on your side. His entire plan was to use me to get Shepard. "

"But he failed; Shepard realized that something was wrong."

"After she nearly raped me as well," the statement hung in the air, Miranda was not planning to elaborate further.

"That wasn't in the file." This was good; it had been the first time Miranda was openly discussing what had happened to her. It was a small breakthrough of sorts, most of the sessions had been mostly silence where they talked about things unrelated to what had happened to Miranda. But this wasn't what she had expected, to hear that Shepard had nearly physically assaulted Miranda.

Miranda studied Kelly, "Would you have put that in your mission report? The only thing that stopped her was her suspicions, from what I gather, Garrus, Jacob, and Kasumi didn't check in. Leng has always been a bit premature, had he not acted rashly Shepard would have gone through with it."

"She didn't know."

"She suspected, she could feel something was wrong but she ignored it, instead as soon as the opportunity arose she was on me, pushing me against a wall..." Miranda stopped her voice had cracked, and she tried to regain her composure. Finally after a moment she continued, "The next thing I know she's ripping off my clothes. And then it was that smirk, that arrogant smirk that Shepard has, did you know it is the exact same one the Illusive Man has?"

And suddenly it made sense, "So that's why you see the Shepard as the Illusive Man." She was met with a nod from Miranda. "All those times where it happened, what or who were you thinking of?"

"Shepard." Miranda said. "As irritating as the thought was, I wanted her to come save me. I wanted her to be my—"

"Your knight in shining armour? You may be giving Shepard too much credit; yes she's a hero maybe the best, but she didn't know. Do you think her actions would have been the same had she known?"

Miranda looked away embarrassed, the blood rising to her cheeks, "No, I heard what she did to the Illusive Man; I saw the bodies of everyone who...violated me. Shepard she hunted them all killing every last one of them."

"And right now she's giving you the space you have asked even though it is clear to everyone on board she wants to be here for you, she wants to help you through this. It's also clear to everyone aboard that she blames herself for what happened to you."

Miranda was quiet for a moment, "I don't want Shepard to see me like this."

"Like what?" There was no response, "Weak? Vulnerable? Insecure? You're going to have to elaborate Miranda, because I can't help you if you don't want me to help you."

Miranda smiled, "And Shepard? I can only imagine what her sessions are like."

"It's like pulling teeth without the anaesthetic," came the short reply, "But you've changed the subject."

The smile faded from Miranda's face, "Damaged. She's already seen me weak and vulnerable before, she's also seen me insecure. But I don't want her to look at me like she looks at Jack, like I'm damaged goods to be pitied. She told Jack that the reason that they could never be together was because they were both damagedgoods. I don't want her to look at me like that. Or look at me any differently than she did before. She saw what they did to me, they recovered some vids of me and—others. And with the cerebral implant it looked and...sounded like I was enjoying myself. I could see the disgust on her features. She then vomited in the corner of the hotel room."

"Was this after she had nearly 'raped' you?"

Miranda winced at what Kelly had said, "Yes."

"Could it have been possible she realized what she had nearly done?"

Miranda shrugged, "Who knows?"

"You would if you asked her. Though let's be fair, Shepard would much rather be shot at than talk about her feelings."

Miranda smiled for a moment before looking away for a moment"She told me that she loved me, but we had just been through a fight and I had told her I needed my space. She hasn't said it since, in fact she's avoided me most of the time."

"She's attempting to keep things professional."

"Shepard still goes around seeing everyone talking with them after every mission. But she avoids me, it's irritating."

"You know Shepard, if anything she just needs an excuse to come visit you; so give her one and then actually talk to her. That is of course if you personally want to talk to her, because I know you Miranda, if you wanted to talk to Shepard you would have by now."

Miranda looked away, she was right of course, the guilt could be equally shared between the two of them. It wasn't just Jade's fault she too was avoiding talking with Shepard. She glanced at the chronometer an hour had long since passed. "The session is over," she stated simply and she was met with a quick nod from Kelly who had also glanced at the chronometer.

She watched Miranda get up to exit the room,"Miranda, maybe next time we can actually talk about what happened to you."

Miranda froze, it was a subject that she hadn't broached with anyone on the ship, she had been grateful to Shepard who had kept the knowledge of what had happened to her on a strict need to know basis. The Normandy Crew didn't know, she had even with held the information from Joker. She had simply informed him and the crew that Miranda had run into a spot of trouble on a mission and had asked for her assistance. She would rather believe that she had needed help than for them to find out what had really happened to her. She didn't want to talk about it, she simply wanted it to go away. "There are vids, if you want to know what happened watch them," her tone was cold, colder than she had meant for it to be.

She studied Miranda for a moment, she had broached the subject much to soon, "Of course, but Miranda it wouldn't hurt to actually talk to the Commander, you're going to need to get it out of the way sooner or later," she was ignored as Miranda left the room giving no indication that she had heard the piece of advice.

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**A/N: And yes Miranda was raped, and before you all get on my case about how there is to much angst in my stories, I created a scenario and I intend for it to fully play out, whether or not the characters can resolve their differences is up to how this scenario ends up playing out. I refuse to let this play out in one chapter and call that a resolution because that is _terrible _story-telling especially giving what happened in Layers of the Heart.  
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	3. Chapter 3: Baby Steps

**A/N: Read and review.**

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"You know Shep; you can't hide from Miranda forever, you're eventually going to have to talk to her about more than reports," Kasumi informed Shepard who was sitting on top of the Kodiak cleaning out her pistol. Jade opened her mouth to protest, "Yes I'm aware that she said that she wanted to keep things professional but come on Shep if you don't talk to her then what will ever change between the two of you."

Jade eyes flicked over to Kasumi before returning to the pistol that she had been cleaning, "And what exactly should I say?"

Kasumi raised an eyebrow, "Shepard I'm impressed, you aren't even the slightest bit upset that I'm giving you my input on how to handle your love life."

Jade frowned slightly she didn't really want to hear anybody telling her how to run her life, she still had parents to do that, "What do I say?" she repeated the question again. It wasn't that she didn't want to talk to Miranda because she desperately wanted to, but whenever they were within close proximity words failed her and she ended up doing what she hated the most retreating.

Kasumi smiled, "Here's a nifty idea how about apologizing for being a massive idiot?" she suggested a bit of mirth in her voice.

"If that was the only thing that I had to apologize for I would have done it by now."

The smile faded from Kasumi lips, "You can't seriously be blaming yourself for what happened to Miranda." When Jade didn't answer right away, Kasumi continued to prod, "This wasn't your fault, you couldn't have known."

Jade rolled her eyes a look of contempt crossing her features, "I bear plenty of responsibility of what happened to Miranda, had I dealt with the issue much sooner none of this would have happened. And to suggest that I didn't know or couldn't predict that the Illusive Man would attempt to take some form of revenge on me is well bullshit. When Miranda returned to Cerberus well I assumed that he would use her as a weapon against me to bring me in line. The only thing I underestimated was just how far he would go. And if I had picked up on the fact that he had been flaunting what he had done to my face earlier I would have come much sooner. If I hadn't driven her away, then this wouldn't have happened."

Kasumi frowned there was more to the story than what Jack and Zaeed had told her about, "There is considerably more to the story isn't there?"

Jade grimaced turning away, "There is," she answered finally, her face hard as she stared at the pistol in front of her. "This doesn't leave the room." Kasumi nodded in response and Jade inhaled, "The day on the Citadel, we nearly had sex."

Kasumi blinked, "What's so bad about—oh..." her voice fading as she trailed off. "But you didn't go through with it."

"It doesn't matter that we didn't actually have sex, she looks at me and sees him. She denies this of course, maybe in an attempt to spare my feelings or to placate me I don't really know. We both know that the only reason we—I didn't go through with it is because you didn't check in." Jade paused for a moment, "Not because there was something wrong, and before you go on about how I couldn't have known there was something wrong. I noticed that she wasn't quite acting like herself, the implant was good but not perfect."

"You've been down here obsessing about what you could have done differently?" Kasumi asked a hint of disbelief in her voice.

"No, of course I haven't." Jade slid off the Kodiak slowly taking her pistol with her and holstering it. There was nothing she could do to change the past no matter how much she desperately wanted to. She would have done things so much differently, "Though this brings me back to my original question, what should I say to her."

Kasumi studied Shepard, noting the agitation that could be seen throughout her body, "Shep." Jade eye's met her own eyes and she gave her an encouraging smile, "Just start with sorry and then work your way up."

It was probably the best advice she had heard, "Thank you," she offered.

"That's what I'm here for Shep," Kasumi replied a smile on her face as she disappeared.

Jade stared at where Kasumi had been for a moment and waited until she heard the heard the elevator doors hiss closed, she sat quietly listening for Kasumi's footsteps, upon hearing none she looked over at the cleaned pistol which was simply laying there; she glanced at her hand for a moment noting the slight tremor. She willed it to stop but it seemed that the trembling only got worse.

Miranda was sitting at her desk reading and watching simulations that Jade had spent most of three works. The level of detail was astounding, and Miranda found herself in a slight state of shock at the quality in front of her. Jade had always hated the paperwork that came with being in her position and it had shown in the various mission reports. What wasn't surprising was the fact the plans that Shepard had come up with, all of them were nothing short of pure tactical genius. There had never been any indication that Jade was even capable of careful planning like this.

Miranda looked at the stack of files in front of her, she hadn't even managed to go through half of them yet and it had been a few days since she had returned to the Normandy. She had expected to be immediately swamped with work that Shepard had neglected to do, but she wasn't everything was done, maybe not to her standards but they had been done for her, it was as if she had never been gone. And it bothered her that she wasn't needed.

She needed to know where she fit and it was generally where she knew she was needed and it was clear that she wasn't exactly needed on the Normandy. No the crew was quite capable of carrying on without her. It didn't make the feeling any better that Shepard had passed on taking her on missions that she would have been an asset on. She loathed the fact that everyone was tiptoeing around her especially Jade.

"Lawson?" Miranda's internal venting was interrupted for a moment and she looked up at Jade who was standing at her door.

Miranda immediately motioned for Jade to come in and take a seat in front of her, "Shepard, what can I do for you?" her voice was slightly colder than she had meant for it to be and she noticed Jade flinch for a moment before sliding back into her role as Commander.

"I wanted to see how you're doing...given the circumstances," Jade added the last part, meeting Miranda's eyes for the first time in what seemed ages. The two of them had been avoiding each other, never meeting each other's gazes.

Miranda frowned and finally shifted her gaze, "Given the circumstances—better than most that have ever been in my position."

Jade studied her for a moment before finally shifting her gaze, "That's good."

The awkward silence sat uncomfortably in the air between the two women, neither one saying a thing as their minds raced. Miranda finally broke the silence after a few moments of silence, "You're a genius you know?"

Jade eyes flicked over at Miranda noting that she was still holding one of the files she had been working on, she wasn't pleased with the work, she had been distracted or well she had been using her work to distract herself from her issues at hand. She waved off the compliment, and remained silent for a moment the thoughts and words rolling around in her head. "I've never properly apologized...well to the real you. I was wrong earlier before you left and I was...a massive idiot. I did need you, I can't imagine going through everything that happened without you by my side."

There was another moment of rather painful quiet between the two women, before Miranda motioned to the files on her desk, "Except you know that's not true."

Jade looked at the files on the desk and sighed, "You saved me, in more ways than one. I need you not because of the fact that you are a better XO than I could have ever hoped to be. I need you because you make this painful existence worth living, and when you look at me you don't see me as some big war hero, you actually see me. You're important to me Miranda." Jade stopped suddenly feeling very self-conscious.

Miranda blinked back tears, it wasn't the time and despite Jade's heartfelt confession seeing tears would probably send her into a panic of some sort, "Thank you," she finally managed, and Jade let out a breath that she didn't know she had been holding.

Nothing more needed to be said between the two women and they neither of them wanted to ruin the moment by complicating things with physical touch though both wanted it.

"Commander, we'll be docking on the Citadel in about ten minutes."

Miranda looked back at her terminal, the moment was gone and Jade was back to being Commander Shepard with the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders. Nothing would change because nothing could, there would always be something pulling Shepard away. There would always be some threat, something that would pull at Jade's attention. "Duty calls," Miranda said, desperately trying to remind herself that Shepard was needed and it was her selfishness that had caused the schism.

Jade noticed the bitterness in her tone, "Apparently there are consequences for nearly starting a war between the humanity and Quarians," she informed Miranda shrugging her shoulders. There was no point starting what could be another argument at this moment, it wouldn't do either of them any good. "Though on the positive I think I succeeded in giving Udina an aneurysm."

Miranda snorted as she waved Jade off, "Go Shepard, I've still got some catching up to do," with that she refocused on the terminal in front of her.

Jade studied her for the briefest of moments before turning around and leaving Miranda to her work. Slightly pleased at the progress she had made, hopefully it had been a step in the right direction.


	4. Chapter 4: Invincible

**A/N: Oh look at that; after I posted Tenth Street Red a stroke of inspiration and I managed to rewrite the chapter, (because it was shit). Shame though, because I didn't think that I would be able to finish this chapter this week, simply because I didn't like how it turned out and planned to rewrite it. It's slightly more difficult for me to bang this chapter out because I've been "busy" ie my life has been filled with unnecessary drama which could have possibly put a stop to these chapters for a long time (a few months). But yes no update next week because I'm going to be working on projects...and possibly inebriated for a few days next week. Soooo anyway Read and review.  
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"Commander, are you seriously going to go see the Alliance without any back up?" Garrus asked her as he leaned against her fish tank watching as Jade was debating which helmet she would use.

As of late she had been favouring the Death Mask more so than the Kestrel Helmet, because it made her look considerably more intimidating. "And who do you suggest I take?" Jade asked him as she placed the Death Mask down, there would be time for that later. "Tali and Legion are with their people working on re-colonizing their world and of course Geth-Quarian relations. And considering that's part of the reason why I'm in trouble they wouldn't exactly be welcome." As she talked she quickly picked up the rest of the Kestrel set, choosing the colors to be reminiscent of her old N7 armour.

Garrus coughed and Jade finally looked up at him, "You do remember the last time you went out by yourself? You nearly got yourself captured and implanted."

"No I went with back up who ended up being captured by C-sec. And no offenses but there are still quite a few humans in the Alliance who do not like Turians. Actually there are quite a few people in the Alliance who are xenophobic. Can't take Kasumi because I'm pretty sure she is wanted in several systems. Jack, well I can't take Jack with me because it's Jack, and that goes double for Zaeed. Miranda was Cerberus, there shouldn't be any more said about that."

"And Jacob he used to be ex-Alliance."

Jade snorted, "Really you want me to bring someone who abandoned the Alliance to work for Cerberus as my second? What type of message do you think that sends?" She picked up her Kestrel armour and Garrus looked the other way as Shepard began to put it on. "I'll be fine, I'm just going to be grilled by a bunch of arrogant old men who are more politician than they are military. Remember Mikhailovich? Yeah I'm pretty sure he's going to be there."

Garrus nodded this was a political thing, it would be best for Shepard to simply go by herself to avoid any unnecessary headaches. He didn't pity her; he knew what it was like to be caught in red tape. "If you're sure Commander," he stated. He decided to not add anything else it wasn't the first time Shepard had decided to go on alone. But it was the first time since she had returned from rescuing Miranda. There was something wrong but he couldn't place it, all he knew was that Shepard had been more agitated as of late. He had thought that having Miranda back on board would at least help calm Shepard down but that was far from the case, if anything the opposite had happened Shepard was more easily agitated and ended up spending hours on her own away from both the squad and the crew.

Jade finished placing her armour and grabbed her helmet, "It's not like I trust the Alliance will let this slide, I just doubt I am going to need to shoot my way out. That being said inform Thane and Miranda to get ready, things generally go massively wrong when I'm involved. Also inform Joker that this is just a drop off I don't want the Normandy anywhere near the citadel."

Garrus smiled at her as he watched her head to her desk, "Shepard?" Jade turned to him giving him her undivided attention, "Are you alright? Zaeed told me what happened at the Illusive Man's base, what you said. What you did."

Jade shrugged as she picked up her side arm, "I'm fine even thought Kelly's trying to convince me otherwise." She rotated her wrist ignoring the slight tremble before holstering it. "You didn't see what they did to her, they deserved considerable more than the relatively quick death that I gave them. Imagine it was someone you cared about dearly in Miranda's position would you have held back?"

"No," Garrus answered honestly. "But then again, it's not for a lack of trying." Garrus's eyes met Jade's who frowned for a moment. "Is that the real reason why you wouldn't allow me to follow you Shepard? You didn't want me to stop you?"

Jade met his eyes for a few more tense seconds before shifting her eyes to her terminal a smile crossed her features, "Had you interfered Garrus, I would have shot you," her tone was relaxed, she had attempted to pass it off as a joke. But the hard look in her eyes were what gave her away, she would have killed him had he interfered.

Garrus nodded, "Understood Commander, I'll leave you to get ready," with that being said Garrus left Jade's room.

Jade frowned as she once again picked up her helmet, she was slipping and everyone was beginning to see it. How long would it be before they started to question her ability to lead? She shook off those thoughts and gathered up everything else she needed planning to stop by the armoury to pick up her weapons.

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"What do you mean Shepard is going without backup?" Miranda asked Garrus.

Garrus shrugged, "Something about a massive headache later and how this won't turn into a gun fight later. That being said she wants you and Thane ready in case it does indeed turn into a massive gun fight. And let's be completely honest, Shepard always ends up pulling her gun first. So it's not as if that it's not unlikely. You'll probably see some action today," there was a hint of jealousy in his voice which Miranda ignored.

"You are aware of the Correspondences that the Shadow Broker sent you correct?" Miranda asked already knowing the answer to that. She handed the file to Garrus, who scanned it quickly. "If I'm not around then someone needs to keep an eye on the Commander, she does need someone occasionally reining her in."

Garrus snorted at the concept of reining Shepard in, his talons pointing to what was written on the file, "He denied the request."

"Given recent events Hackett most definitely won't be able to protect Shepard anymore. She nearly started a war the Alliance most definitely won't stand for her using them based on her whims."

"Clearly, but Shepard does need to use the platform if only to get the Alliance to listen to her. We can't do this by ourselves everyone needs to prepare. She's already got the Quarians preparing for war with the Geth, we're going to need to wake the sleeping giant that is the Alliance. We're going to war and the humans need to be ready for it otherwise the death toll will be so much higher."

"And if they decide to arrest Shepard?" Miranda asked him.

This time Garrus's mandibles twitched in obvious amusement, "She's a spectre they can't actually force her to do anything, they can't arrest her; especially not on the Citadel."

"The Council hasn't actually come out to say that Shepard is alive, and they want answers. Just like the Alliance wants answers, especially given her association with Cerberus. You have no idea what people will do to make sure that the Commander is firmly on their side."

"Are you looking for my permission?" Garrus asked her slightly confused at what was going on.

"Hardly I'm the ranking officer while Shepard is on shore."

Garrus sighed, "Just stay with Thane, and make sure Shepard doesn't see you, because she was very specific as to why she was not going to be taking anyone from the ship, and I suggest that you get back before she does." Garrus looked at her, "This is Shepard remember? She always manages to scrape through. No matter what the situation, and this isn't Cerberus."

Miranda looked at him, "Tell Thane to suit up, we're going to make sure that Shepard doesn't get into any trouble."

* * *

"You are not permitted to take your firearms into chambers."

Jade studied the soldier in question, he was young probably fresh out of training. "Noveria, Purgatory, hell anyone who has asked me to surrender my gun generally ends up dead. Besides I'm a spectre, I can carry weapons anywhere I want to on the Citadel. Now step aside because I'm not even fashionably late anymore."

"These are the most important people in the Alliance, and you're a deserter and a traitor. The real Commander Shepard would never have done what you did, working for terrorists."

Jade eye's glowed behind her helmet; he had been talking to Ash, which could only mean that she was nearby. She sighed and held out her pistol in a non-threatening position. "Come on let's get this over with," she said with a sigh. This meeting was already grating on her last nerve and it hadn't even started.

The young recruit looked at her in surprise he had been close to pulling out his own side arm. He glanced at the other marines in his unit who were watching the events with mild amusement. He would show them that he belonged he puffed out his chest as he took a step forward reaching for Shepard's pistol.

Jade grabbed his wrist pulling him towards her with a quick jerk as he fell towards her off balance. She side stepped him with a quick movement grabbing his own side arm as he fell to the ground. Jade shifted once again pressing the pistol against his head. "Now how about I release a round into your skull?" she asked him, her tone was cold as she kept the other pistol pointed at another one of the guards who had brought out their own weapons.

"I would prefer if you didn't kill Serviceman Reynolds, he is a promising recruit who could go pretty far in the Alliance."

Jade frowned as she tossed Reynolds side arm to the ground, holstering her own pistol. "Your promising recruit just shit his pants." Jade turned with a sigh as she came face to face with her mother. Of course the Alliance would bring her mother into this, probably as a contingency plan in case she was secretly planning to kill the lot of them. She gave her mother an innocent smile, "He was holding me up."

"So your solution was to shoot him?"

Jade snorted, "Are you going to try and take away my guns?" she asked her mother.

"Will you attempt to shoot me as well?" Hannah Shepard asked her arms crossed.

Jade smiled at her mother before turning towards Serviceman Reynolds who was still frozen in place, "You can go change your pants now private," she said with a dismissive wave of her hand, before turning back to her mother. "It won't be an attempt."

Reynold's looked back at Hannah Shepard his face red with embarrassment; she nodded her head at him and watched him scurry away. "Come along you're late and the admiralty board won't wait for you forever," with that she turned around and headed down the hallway. Jade following her a few steps behind her.

Nothing was said for a moment until they were out of earshot of the other guards, "Really a promising recruit?" Jade asked her mother.

"Well he certainly listens to orders a lot better than you ever could," Hannah Shepard shot back.

Jade snorted and was quiet for a moment, "How serious is this?" she asked her mother.

"You have a lot of enemies in that room, who wish you were still dead." Hannah's voice dropped letting her daughter know the gravity of the situation. "Some are calling for you to be tried for treason and desertion. And other's they want to get their hands on the Normandy. Anderson and Hackett have lost a lot of power, and they are thinking of arresting you to make a statement; spectre status aside. Things are looking...rather grim for you, almost impossible, because they really do hate you especially given the fact that you sacrificed human lives for the lives of the council."

Jade sighed, why were people always so difficult and why did people never listen to her. She glanced up at the rafters for a moment; she could already feel a headache coming on. She turned to her mother, "Has Udina had an aneurysm yet or is he going to be screaming at me in that room." Why did things have to be so bloody difficult.


	5. Chapter 5: Old Wounds

**A/N: Awesome a chapter finished, a long chapter. And I still managed to get it to you before the week ended. **

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It was times like this that Jade almost wished she had spent more time forging friendships than pissing people off for the hell of it, or for simply getting in her way. That was an almost, she simply enjoyed getting under people's skin way too much to ever stop doing it. Such as right now as she waved at Udina a grin on her face, enjoying the fact that he looked like he was about to have a conniption.

"Jade," her mother hissed under her breath, "Rein it in."

Jade sighed dramatically; as soon as she had entered the room she had quickly zoomed in on Donnel Udina ignoring everyone else in the room. In her defence she had always gone out of her way to make his life much more difficult than it had to be. If anything it was to give him a taste of what she went through on a daily basis. He was one of the few people that she never felt guilty about openly antagonizing whenever she saw him. She quickly scanned the room recognizing several faces, Hackett's, Anderson's, Mikhailovich's, several others that had presented her with medals after the battle for the Citadel. She had probably talked to them at some point but she could barely remember that night.

Hannah Shepard swore under her breath and Jade turned to her slightly, "The Council is involved. I knew that Anderson would be here but I thought that he was the only one privy to this meeting I wasn't expecting the rest of the Council."

Jade followed her mother's gaze seeing the communication relay which had finally been activated and frowned; things were already taking a turn for the worse. The Council thought that she was crazy, which was possibly true if one were to talk to Kelly but she got the job done no matter what the cost. "You did tell them that I was dead right? So they can't exactly charge me with desertion, they declared me KIA, my service ended with my death."

Hannah Shepard ignored the question; her daughter should have realized exactly what she had asked Hackett for. Instead she chose to impart some wisdom on her daughter, "Jade for once in your life listen to me, this is not the time to antagonize these people. In other words be anyone else but yourself," she muttered to Jade.

"What type of shit advice is that?" Jade hissed at her mother who pulled away leaving Jade standing in the middle of the room by herself surrounded by enemies on all sides. This was certainly a lot more serious than she had imagined it to be, true she had nearly sparked a war with the Terminus systems but she had been in a rush. She sighed as she pulled off her helmet, the room going silent as she did as she shook her hair free.

"Former Lieutenant Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy, declared killed in action Year 2183. Jade Shepard you are being charged with treason and desertion."

The voice carried through the room and Shepard finally opened her eyes, causing a hush to fall across the room as everyone looked into the deteriorated eyes of Commander Shepard, which were glowing red. Her cybernetics under her skin were hot, and they glowed an orange hue. She raised an eyebrow scanning the room again studying every last person in the room, "Let me make this perfectly clear," she had switched on to her Commander voice, her voice carrying through the room, as her eyes flashed. "You are not getting your hands on the Normandy, this version was built just for me. It's one of a kind and I doubt my ship would appreciate the poking and prodding of less than stellar engineers." Jade smirked at her mother who was pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Jade Shepard I suggest that you take this meeting seriously, you have much to answer for. Do I need to remind you that you do not make demands of the Council, the Council makes demands of you."

Jade frowned and grinded her teeth, for a split second immediately switching tactics, "I still don't see why we are having this meeting. Human colonies were disappearing; thousands of colonists were killed and processed by the Collectors. I stopped the attacks, because the lot of you were sitting on your asses wishing you could do what I did. I followed proper procedure, several people were aware of my rebirth, including the entirety of the Council and several key admirals. If you weren't privy to the knowledge that I was alive then you didn't pay attention to the news and you simply weren't important enough. I hardly see how this is my fault that you didn't have proper clearance to know that I was alive."

Admiral Hackett turned to Hannah Shepard, "Was she always this difficult as a child?" he muttered to her, slightly amused at Shepard's antics.

"She's still going through her teenage years," Hannah Shepard replied with a scowl on her face.

Admiral Hackett laughed mostly to himself, as he went back to watching Jade attempt to feel the room out. He hadn't known Shepard personally but even he could see that she was her mother's daughter. Unfortunately for Shepard she wasn't talking to her crew, she couldn't simply use pure charisma to win these people over. Her actions had nearly caused a war in the Terminus Systems, all the Alliance was waiting for was for them to revoke her Spectre status. She needed to focus on the Council instead of the Alliance. "Shepard," Jade eyes flicked over to Hacket and she immediately stood at attention, "Start at the beginning tell us how you came to find yourself working for the terrorist organization known as Cerberus."

Jade looked at him for a moment before looking away, "I _was_ killed in action. After I had gone back for Jok—Jeff Moreau, I made sure that he was safe in the escape pod and before I could follow the Collector ship came around again. There was an explosion and I got separated, though I managed to hit the emergency panel before another explosion rocked me. The next thing I know there were alarms as there was a puncture in my suit. And I couldn't breathe, and I fought wasting the little oxygen I had left. The last thing I remember is getting pulled into orbit and my suit becoming hot."

Udina snorted, "A likely story, you would have been pulled to the planet surface your suit might have withstood the heat barely, but the impact would have shattered everything in your body. You would certainly be nothing more than a flattened carcass. And yet here you stand..."

There was a murmur of agreement, which rippled through the room, and Jade gritted her teeth. Udina was going after her and she had forgotten how shrewd he was, her omni-tool pinged and Jade looked down at her arm, Miranda had sent her a message. Jade glanced around the room again and smiled mostly to herself, relaxing. Of course Miranda was in all likelihood saving her ass from getting her spectre status revoked but it was more than that, Miranda was always there, always pulling her along, even when she no longer wanted to fight; even when she questioned who she was. "4 billion credits," the room went silent. "That's how much it cost to put me back together. I don't really know the reason that Cerberus desecrated my body and poured virtually unlimited resources into bringing me back, unlike the Alliance and the Citadel they could actually send an army through the Omega-4 relay. Instead they put me back together from scratch and gave me the most advanced warship in citadel space."

Admiral Hackett noticed Udina opening his mouth and quickly beat him to the chase, "Shepard, what you're saying is a bit difficult to believe. We would of course need proof."

Jade looked at him and smiled as she activated her omni-tool as she opened the message from Miranda Lawson, "Clearly one would need to go over it with the best scientists the Alliance and the Council have to verify project Lazarus and its contents but everything is dated, and apparently there are vids." The smile broke out on her face, Miranda was very thorough but she expected no less from her. Without a word she sent the files to all the admirals and the Council members. "I am not Cerberus, if you had found my body I'd still be dead right now, this conversation wouldn't be happening and humans will still be disappearing from Colonies. I certainly never betrayed the Alliance; I've never betrayed the Council, even though you never heed my warnings." Jade looked at each individual in the room.

"You blame this on us?" The Asari council member asked her.

"I didn't ask to be brought back to life, but I was, and I come back to a world where you've swept everything under the rug, _I_ give you evidence and it isn't enough. The Reapers are coming, and if we are not ready then the Asari, the Turians, the Volus, the Hannar, the Drell, the Krogan, humanity, everyone will perish, because the politicians the ones that were elected to keep us safe were too busy sticking their heads in the sand to listen to do anything." Jade paused looking around the room letting the tension build for a minute. "I'm the one on the front line, I'm the one who breaks bones, gets stabbed, and gets kicked, drugged. I'm the one who you ask me to watch my friends, the people who have for all intensive purposes become my family," Jade looked up at her mother for a split second before turning back to the council, "give their lives to the greater good while you drink your expensive wine, fuck prostitutes or have affairs. I am the one that bleeds for you to carry on with your decadent lifestyles."

"You're out of line Shepard," the Turian Council member put in, and Shepard turned on him her eyes flashing in anger and he took a step back.

"Am I? In ancient times in human history the leaders would fight side by side with soldiers like me. These leaders, these kings were respected beyond measure because they bled for their men, they didn't sit on their asses making decisions based on what they thought was best. And the men fought harder than anything to protect their kings, their queens their leaders." Jade turned to the Alliance, "I would never betray the Alliance or everything that I...everyone in my family has ever stood for. I did what you would have asked of me to do if I was indeed alive."

"You've already gone against what the Alliance stood for when you sacrificed human lives." Shepard turned to Mikhailovich and scowled at him, "But that's always been your MO."

There was a murmur of agreement and Jade was sure that she heard the moniker Butcher of Torfan thrown around in hushed tones, "I was given my orders at Torfan and I followed through with them. Are you suggesting that I should have ignored the orders given to me; something that would resulted with my court-martial? Besides I didn't get the name Butcher of Torfan because most of the men died under my command, I got it because the floor was stained with the blood of the Batarians I killed after they had surrendered," Jade said dismissively. "I've always done what I thought was best for the Alliance, even when it wasn't asked of me."

"And what about the Council's interests? The Salarian Council member spoke up. "You're also charged with the murder of Vasir, one of our best Spectres..."

"Who was working for the Shadow Broker," Jade said cutting the council member off as she pulled out the files linking Vasir to the Shadow Broker, "She killed civilians in an attempt to kill me, so yes I put a round between her eyes. It was self defence," Jade said with ease, once again activating her omni-tool messaging more files out.

Udina looked around, he hadn't realized how charismatic Jade could be in a clutch she was convincing them all of them to put their faith in her. Which was the problem, Shepard was a weapon people died, things exploded, and innocent people got caught in the crossfire. She needed to be contained, she needed to be controlled before it would come back to bite all of their prospective asses later. "We are not here to talk about your past transgressions; we are here to talk about the fact that you nearly started a war in the Terminus systems."

"It was a bold move to stop the inevitable war between the Quarians and the Geth, while also securing a potential alliance with the Geth. Unfortunately talks were not going so well and something else required my full attention, I needed to bully them into doing what I wanted and quickly. The Quarians were not stupid, even though they technically have the largest fleet, the ships are shit, and one of our dreadnaughts could have easily massacred their entire fleet. I didn't send the Alliance anywhere near anyone who could actually do something about us being in their space. I avoided a Skyllian Verge disaster."

Udina smiled, she had made a critical mistake. "And what is it that distracted you and made you willing to risk a war in the Terminus systems."

Jade blinked realizing her mistake, was she ready to tell them everything. Weakness, was never a good thing to show in a room filled with wolves who would like nothing more than to tear her apart, "I made a mistake, I needed to move fast to correct it before the situation became unsalvageable. It was a lapse of judgement and I forgot that I wasn't infallible."

"And what was this mistake that had you risk everything to solve?" The Turian Council member asked.

Jade looked at him, "The Illusive Man took someone that was important to me, and I went after him."

Udina nearly cackled in pleasure, "You risked everything to rescue your latest...flavour of the month?"

Jade looked at him ignoring the fact that the room was now buzzing with noise and shrugged as if she were bored. "I love her, so yes I risked everything to save her."

The room roared with noise as people began arguing over one another, and both Hannah Shepard and Admiral Hackett looked mortified at what Shepard had said. However it was Captain Anderson whose voice managed to cut through the noise, "You're a hero Shepard, if anyone has earned a bit of slack it is you."

"But?" Jade prompted.

"Your actions are garnering massive attention, the Krogans are uniting under a banner from one of your former squad members, the Quarians and the Geth have finally reached a tentative peace at best, and you had a hand in it. There are even rumours that you are working on a cure for the genophage." The Salarian council member looked at confused look on Shepard's face and sighed, "You're following an eerily similar path that Saren took."

Jade frowned it was troublesome that people kept making comparisons, first the Illusive man, now Saren. "My loyalty has always been to the Council, if I wanted to make a power grab I would have left the Collector base in one piece."

The Asari Councillor looked at Shepard, "You have already taken Saren's place as our most famous Spectre, however you are also following in his footsteps. Complete transparency and full disclosure will be required, which means that if you're going to risk a war with the Terminus systems again you are going to have to inform us, so we are at least put on notice."

"We have given you more than enough room to work on stopping the attacks on the human colonies and according to your mission was a success. We can no longer allow you to gallivant across the galaxy undoing the natural order of things, it is time you came back to work for us, instead of chasing after this fairy tale." The Turian councillor said with his usual look of contempt.

"Do you honestly think that I like running around and telling you people constantly that the Reapers are coming? Sovereign was indeed a Reaper Ship, I've been inside a Reaper ship and hell I fought a human Reaper on the Collector base, not a completed one but still a pain in the ass to take down. The fact that you are currently sitting on your asses yelling at me because I'm trying to get the galaxy ready for a war is not going to stop me from preparing the galaxy to have the ability to break this cycle of destruction."

"You are out of line Commander Shepard," The Asari councillor snapped at her.

"Everything I have ever warned you about has come true, I told you about Saren had gone rogue, I tried to tell you about Ilos but you grounded me. I had to steal the Normandy to get to the Mu relay; if I hadn't we'd all be dead. Yet you sit here doing what you've always done and when the shit hits the roof I am not going to sacrifice any lives to save yours."

"Is that a threat?"? The Turian councillor said, his voice was tense as he glowered at Jade.

"I don't make threats, I make promises. The reapers will come and after I finish laughing at what I can only imagine would be the horror you feel that I was once again right and you were caught unaware. I will fight in this war and I will once again spill my blood for the good of the galaxy," Jade stated looking around the room, her chin out daring anyone else to take her on. She turned her head back to the Turian councillor.

Anderson sighed and stepped in before the Turian could once again get into a verbal disagreement with Shepard, "Shepard I believe you and trust me I am doing everything in my power to get ready all I ask is that you resume your duties as a spectre for the Council. What they have asked is not completely unreasonable Shepard, what you did was dangerous for the stability." David Anderson glanced over at Admiral Hackett they both needed to get Shepard on board with this. She needed to willingly put on the leash if only to calm down the Alliance and the Council.

Admiral Hackett stood up causing Jade to turn to him and it was the first time Hackett had seen Shepard looking so weary, "Your position in the Alliance will of course be restored with a promotion of course. And you have my word that no one," Hackett turned to Mikhailovich, "Will get their hands on the Normandy."

Jade frowned she had always wanted the Captains jacket, but they were attempting to put a leash a rather tight leash on her. She wouldn't be able to travel the Terminus systems without fighting off every moron out there. "I—" her omni-tool lit up and she looked down activating the newest message; one from Miranda and one from her mother. She already knew what her mother was going to say so she read what Miranda's opinion on the subject matter was.

_Take it. _

Jade's eyes flew over the message again and she sighed and was about to agree when Udina spoke up his voice angry, "That's it? Jade Shepard is dangerous, a loaded gun that can go off at any moment. She has shown herself to be unstable at best and what's worse she has never listened to high command. She commandeered an Alliance ship; it was a mistake making her a spectre. She has shown herself to be, at the very least, narcissistic and a person who couldn't follow an order to save her life. Have you even ever thought of the consequences of your actions?"

Jade turned to Udina studying him for a second before turning back to the Council, "I accept the terms to your agreement, full visibility. Weekly reports, however most of my time is going to be spent in the terminus systems and despite the fact that I want the Normandy to lose the Cerberus insignia I can't really afford to be seen as Alliance." She looked over at Hackett, "If the Alliance wants full disclosure I will make sure to send you get weekly reports."

Hackett frowned, Shepard needed to throw the Alliance a bone, a big one. "Then at least allow us to have a member of the Alliance aboard, for full transparency."

"Everyone on my ship has earned their place don't send me a pencil pusher, give me someone I can use and could pull their own weight, someone that my squad would feel comfortable with." It was a compromise, but it would be enough to appease the brass for now. Jade glanced over at Udina who looked ready to explode at the idea that she was getting away with merely a slap on the wrist...for now. She would have to be on her best behaviour and hope something big happened that didn't involve her or any member of her squad, or they would be back. She turned back to Hackett ignoring the fact that Udina was discussing things with Mikhailovich.

* * *

"You know," Jade said looking at Miranda and Thane who were walking to the Kodiak, a look on surprise on Thane's face at the thought that Jade had beaten them back. "I'm pretty sure that I ordered you to stay on the Normandy instead of spying on what was probably a rather confidential meeting."

"You knew you were being followed Siha," Thane stated with a shrug he would have to work on that.

"You were walking into a meeting with the most powerful people in Citadel space without any ammunition, what you did was reckless and stupid and you needed the back up. You can't go on bullying people, to do what you want Shepard and I doubt they were impressed with the fact that you had enough ammo to kill all of them," Miranda lectured. "You have no idea what they would have done had you refused."

"Charged me with treason, possibly a very public trial, and then a public execution," Jade responded a teasing smile on her face reaching out to take Miranda's hand. She stiffened but allowed Jade to hold it for a moment before pulling away.

"I would be very annoyed if you were you went and got yourself executed, all that hard work gone," Miranda replied with a roll of her eyes.

"Tch you would have rescued my sorry ass before it ever got to the whole execution phase," Jade said with a grin ignoring the pang that she felt when Miranda pulled away. There was a moment of silence, "Thank you though, but let's not make this a habit. I still need you all to do 2.14 impossible things a day; I can't having you breaking orders."

Miranda was about to retort to that comment when a frown crossed her face, "It seems that it didn't take the Alliance long to find someone to spy on us for you," she said taking a step so she was side by side with Jade placing what she hoped was a comforting hand on Jade's arm.

Jade turned to look at the face of Ashley Williams feeling the rage, the betrayal bubbling to the surface and she gave into the emotion lunging at Ashley before Miranda or Thane could interfere, tackling her to the ground.


	6. Chapter 6: Shepard Session 2

**An: So yes there will be a hiatus as I start preparing for exams after which I will start updating again. Don't worry there is still a bunch more in this story to go and I will be writing in my spare time so maybe I can get a buffer going and you can have two updates a week. The key word in that sentance was MAYBE, I make no promises. **

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"This must be familiar for you," Kelly Chambers said looking at her superior officer, who at this very moment was sporting a rather nasty shiner on her right eye, there was also bruising on her jaw. Upon Jade's quizzical expression she elaborated, "Being sent to the councilor's office because you got into a fight, according to your file you got into a lot of fights as a teenager." A smug smile crossed Jade's face, causing Kelly to sigh and pinch the bridge of her nose. Miranda had practically dragged Shepard to Kelly after they had arrived on the Normandy. "Commander…"

"It was something that needed to be done back on Horizon," Jade interrupted shifting in her seat and leaning back stretching out her jaw. She had forgotten how hard Ash could hit. And she had gotten better she hadn't seen Ashley's left hand until it was too late to do anything than take the blow. It had actually taken both Thane and Miranda to pull her off Ashley before she could kill her. She had no idea why they even allowed the fight to go on without stepping in.

Kelly opened her mouth to say something, but then closed it, "When you saw Ms. Williams, what did you feel, emotion-wise."

Jade didn't answer her instead she rubbed the forming bruise on her jaw, she hadn't even had time to slap a medi-gel on it before Miranda had dragged her to Kelly. It was a pointless exercise; she certainly didn't want to be here and from the looks of it Kelly didn't want to do this either. It was a lose-lose situation for the both of them. She didn't need to be fixed she had everything under control. She finally stopped rubbing her cheek and returned her hand to the arm of the chair, ignoring the tremor.

Kelly looked at Jade and leaned back, looking at Shepard, "Have you ever really opened up to anyone?" she asked her commanding officer and Jade eye's flicked over to Kelly. "And I don't mean the fact that you and Garrus occasionally swap sex stories, because we both know, that those casual flings mean nothing to you, they held no real meaning in your life." There was still nothing from Jade who was simply watching her studying her and Kelly pressed on. "Anything that doesn't actually affect you, you have no problem discussing. But things that do affect that shake the very foundations of what you perceive to be reality and you never talk about it. As of late your emotional stability has been…tenuous at best."

Jade snorted derisively at Kelly's assessment, "I've always been like this."

"You've attacked members of your squad before?" Kelly asked dryly.

"Ashley is not part of my squad she was basically forced upon me, because I pissed someone of relative importance off. She's meant to spy on me, and she will probably be on my case at every fucking moment of the day. She betrayed me and everything that we fought for and against, and she has the audacity to act all high and mighty with me. Like I said It was something that needed to be done back on Horizon."

"According to Thane you reached for your pistol before he stepped in…"

Jade looked at Kelly meeting her gaze head on, "It's a force of habit," she said dismissively, she couldn't even remember reaching for the gun. The last thing she did remember was looking at Ashley's face and tackling her. Then the next thing Miranda and Thane were holding her back, with Miranda's body pressed against hers.

"You wanted to kill her," Kelly said and she was rewarded with Jade's eyes flashing as her cybernetics kicked in.

Jade stared at Kelly for a second and stood up, "We're done," she stated before walking out.

"Commander if you're losing control, then now will be the time to get it back under control. Because it won't be long till you start lashing out at the people you care about. Yes I understand your anger at Ashley, but you've never lashed out like that before. How long is it till you unbridled rage spills into your work and someone you care about gets hurt because you're not in the right mind to lead. Isn't that why you've been insisting on going solo lately, you no longer trust your ability to keep it under control?" Jade continued to walk away and Kelly immediately switched tactics, "What if you lash out at someone you care about? All that misdirected anger at Miranda?"

Jade stopped her tone unnaturally cold, "I am not Saren, I am not the Illusive Man, I don't hurt those that I care about."

Kelly rested her head in her hand, "But you do, or haven't you forgotten you bear a huge responsibility of what happened to Miranda….not to mention what happened at Torfan…"

The familiar feeling of rage and guilt swelled inside Jade and she struggled to control it, it was a losing battle and she slammed her hand fist against the wall ignoring the slight dent. Without another word she stormed out brushing by Miranda without even looking at her. She desperately needed to shoot something or someone.


	7. Chapter 7: Fresh Scars

**A/N: Happy holidays, I tried to do a holiday themed one shot to at least give you something to tide you over till my exams were done but I'm not very good at the whole holiday cheer so it didn't exactly translate well into paper. Oh well, so to celebrate the holidays you get the only chapter that I have finished of Psychobabble and Tenth Street Red, don't worry the muse hasn't left me people I just need to study for exams, so I barely have time to write.  
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She was shivering as she let the cold water run over her naked body, her wet hair in her eyes as she forced herself to calm down. Forcing the rage back down into the metaphorical bottle that she generally kept tightly sealed. But it was different now, the seal had slowly become undone after Miranda had left and it had exploded when she had gone after the Illusive Man. It was so difficult to put the pieces back together and to regain the control that now seemed long gone. She shouldn't have just lost it like that, not with Kelly anyway. She knew why she was angry at Ashley. She pushed her hair out of her face as stopped the flow of water and reached for her towel. Wrapping the towel around her chest loosely she grabbed another towel and began to dry her hair. She stepped out the shower and stepped into her room and headed to her bed.

She stood her back to her door as she dried her hair flipping through her several causal outfits, lost in thought. She would at least apologize to Kelly she wasn't a child anymore. Tantrums because she didn't want to hear what Kelly had to say because it hit a little too close to home was unacceptable, especially since Kelly was only attempting to help. She didn't turn around as she door to her cabin hiss open, there was only one person who could enter her door when it was locked. Her body tensed expecting and her voice turned cold and hard, "Come to check up on me?" she asked not turning around as she kept her back turned. "Or have you come to tell me that what I did was childish and beneath me Ms. Lawson?" There was no answer and Jade finally looked at Miranda, "Or is it something else that you want? Perhaps something more intimate?"

Miranda rolled her eyes at Shepard's behaviour and turned around allowing Jade to put some clothes on, though she wanted to look it would only serve to send Jade the wrong message, and besides the reflective surfaces gave her plenty of opportunity to stare without getting caught. "I've seen Ashley's Williams records Commander, it would be a waste to not utilise her skills to the fullest potential."

Jade frowned as she pulled on her shirt and began to button it up she changed her mind and tossed the shirt onto the bed, "I only use people that I trust and who I can rely on to have my back, surely that is a reasonable explanation why Ashley is a crew member and not a member of my squad. So no she won't see any action and will for all intensive purposes have a desk job."

"You're taking it personally and you are acting like a child. You've seen her file Shepard and this is her mission to be of use to you." Jade pulled off her towel and for a moment Miranda lost her train of thought, "The squad is severely lacking the firepower, now isn't the time to be upset about what happened on Horizon. She was in shock from seeing you again and she probably said some things that she didn't mean."

"If Ashley wants to apologize for what she has done then I might look the other way and she can move up on the squad for a probation period, if she can't perform to the level that I want then she's back to the crew. Until then she has limited access to the ship. I don't have time to baby-sit her, and it would be wise for her to stay out of my way."

"Shepard what exactly was her crime that you think that attacking her would be the best course of action?"

Jade finished putting on her casual uniform, "How is Garrus and Joker taking Ashley's return?"

"Given the fact that you attacked her, and possibly would have killed her if we had let you I think they know better than to engage with her, because both are afraid of _accidentally_ being pushed out the airlock," Miranda retorted.

"I don't care what they do or who they talk to in their personal time, if they want to talk to Ashley they can go ahead. It's my issue to deal with; I don't need them fighting my battles. I actually trust them." Jade was quiet for a moment as she took a seat on one of her couches, "You know, if you had wanted to see me naked all you had to do was ask," she added motioning for Miranda to take a seat as she poured a drink for Miranda.

Miranda froze for a moment before quickly regaining herself, "Shepard..."

Jade waved her off, "I wasn't implying anything, everything on your own time after all, strictly professional," she said picking up her own drink.

"And I can trust you to keep that attitude with Ashley?" Miranda asked ignoring the drink in front of her. She no longer drank, not anymore, the loss of control no longer appealed to her.

Jade sipped on her drink, "Strictly professional? As long as she does her job and stays out of my way then I can and I will. I can promise you that at least." There was silence after that statement and Miranda was quiet for a moment, and Miranda finally got up to leave the room. "Next time you want to talk business it can wait till I have clothes on, you wanted to keep our relationship professional and I'm struggling to do everything in my power to not chase you away and give you the time you need."

"Except you aren't, you think I don't notice that you treat me like I'm a delicate flower; or the fact that you stare at me when you think that I'm not looking. Let's not forget that you avoid me daily. Any sense that you're uncomfortable and you bolt, which probably is telling me that the only time that I can count on you is when we're under fire. And the only reason I entered your cabin was simply because I needed to make sure you weren't going to attempt to kill Ms. Williams again. " She paused and glared at Shepard, "And I wasn't staring, unlike some people I actually act professional."

Jade rolled her eyes, "Most people ogle you when you're not looking, or when you are looking, it's hard not to. I don't think anyone can blame me for staring," she said dismissively. She finished her drink and poured more. She paused, "I keep myself away because it is very hard to keep myself professional around you, there are times when I want…need more than our current relationship allows," she stated without thinking as she raised the glass to her lips. This thing with Kelly wasn't working and she needed someone familiar to help her sort out her feelings to help her regain control of what was left of her sanity. To bring her back down to earth and who actually wanted to hear her personal thoughts because Miranda had never seen her as a guard. In fact most of their early relationship had been antagonistic, and they had spent more time figuring out who was the alpha between them. The banter between the two of them generally ended up with Miranda winning, and she was generally left in awe of Miranda. It was amusing that Miranda had been jealous of her, when she wished that she could be as strong as Miranda.

Miranda froze for a moment, that was all Sheparad saw her as; a fucktoy to be used and possibly discarded when she was no longer needed. And it was already happening she was damaged goods. Even if she managed to seal up the cracks things would never be the same, Shepard had seen what they had done to her. She was just like them, her father the Illusive Man. Jade was like them, she wanted something from her and it was quite clear what that thing was. "Of course you can't," her voice was cold and unfeeling.

A frown crossed Jade's face, as she realized what it had sounded like, "Despite popular opinion, sex isn't always on my mind, in fact with everything that I have to do it's the farthest thing on my mind." Jade shifted her gaze settling it on her unused bed, she hadn't used it since Miranda had left the first time. There was too much space, and she seemed to have considerably more nightmares without Miranda by her side. "That being said, my door is always open to you. If you ever need anything Miranda no matter what it is you know you can come to me." Jade finished her drink and placed the glass down as she stood up and took a step towards Miranda quickly entering her personal space.

Miranda immediately took a step back; a moment of panic crossed her features before disappearing as she quickly reigned in her emotions, "Did you have to do that?"

"You're scared of me," Jade said immediately putting some distance between her and Miranda, a thoughtful expression on her face, her eyes flicked over to Miranda, ""You do realize that I'm not him, that I would never do what he did to you…at least not intentionally. You know what I'm capable of and what I would never do."

"But you nearly did," Miranda's voice was cold. "And don't even give me the excuse that you didn't know you had inclinations you've fought people who were under the control of cerebral implants before. You know the signs."

Jade's name sake eyes met Miranda's, "Have you forgotten of the fact that I was dead for two years?" she asked, "When I fought them, they were all so incredibly broken. You were here functioning normally and I truly believed that it was you to a certain extent. Even with the indoctrination process these people were clearly insane, I had no clue that indoctrination and cerebral implants were this high functioning. Your actions could have easily been explained as you being mad at me, it wasn't until we started getting…intimate that I noticed a drastic change in how you reacted." Jade reached for Miranda's hand, but she withdrew her hand, "You know me Miranda, you know exactly what I am capable off, I am not the Illusive Man, I am not Saren. Yes I may not be the most stable person in the galaxy but you of all people should know that I am not them."

Miranda turned to leave Shepard's cabin, "I have seen what you're capable off and honestly Commander it scares me." Miranda looked at Jade's old helmet seeing the red stripe that ran down the middle of the helmet, it didn't signify the blood that Shepard gave to save the galaxy it was stained with the blood of her enemies. "The fact that you refuse to acknowledge that you are him are similar is probably a case of you deluding yourself. True you may not fancy having your juvenille fantasies brought to life because the thought of rape does not appeal to you. But tell me you wouldn't do anything in your capability to save the galaxy. And remember he didn't throw you away because he still needed you, and you didn't throw him away because you still needed him. You would do anything, sacrifice anyone to get the job done." With that Miranda left the Commander's cabin before Jade could respond.


	8. Chapter 8: Breakthrough

**A/N: Finally a chapter...surprisingly it's the only one I have done...I quickly realized something that this story needs me to take a step back I still have no idea how it's going to end I had planned it for 10 chapters but it seems it's going to be longer. The events aren't clicking as well as I would like and after this is done and yes my muse has left me on this one but it's still pumping out stories for my other one. So until I actually get a spark of inspiration this story is now on hiatus till I figure where I want to take this and what the ending is going to be. Knowing me I'll probably have a stroke of inspiration in a couple of days and start typing out a few chapters so you may have to wait weeks, or a couple of days. Sorry. **

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Kelly sighed as she looked at Miranda, "You know when I suggested that you go talk to the Commander I was hoping that you would be able to utilize your calming effect on her. Not make the situation worse," Kelly reprimanded Miranda gently. This was not a session about Jade, but still it needed to be said. "But we aren't here to discuss the Commander's problems, or what you should or shouldn't have done. Have you actually managed to sleep through the night?" Kelly asked switching the subject before Miranda could comment on last night's events. Whatever had been said had most certainly upset Shepard though she was a master at masking her emotions and putting on the facade that there was nothing bothering her.

"Of course not, and I'm not eager to become dependent on drugs to help me either," Miranda informed her.

Kelly looked at Miranda, her behaviour was rather unusual she was general more talkative, at this moment it was as if she wanted to be anywhere else but here. She frowned slightly, "The only way we are going to make any real progress is by discussing what exactly happened to you. You can focus all you want on how it was Shepard that nearly did it but you cannot blame her for what she believed to be consensual sex. The commander may be many things but a rapist is not one of them." There was no response from Miranda who seemed to be mulling over what she had said and Kelly pressed forward hoping for the breakthrough, "If anything this might help you finally separate the thought that the Commander and The Illusive Man are one in the same."

Miranda eyes swept over Kelly, "How did you— no never mind," she said with a dismissive tone. It was none of Kelly's business, but she was right, there had been no reason to fight with Shepard, it had been an unreasonable, Shepard was not all knowing, and she had done what everyone else in the galaxy had done. She had put Jade on a pedestal, making her out to be some sort of superhero, an all knowing god who was infallible. There was no way that Jade could have known or even suspected that she was under the control of a cerebral implant. "It was my mistake, I was too trusting or maybe it was arrogance that made me believe that he would simply take me back without repercussions. And even if there were repercussions, I never believed that they would be...what it was. I figured a few terrible assignments maybe me regaining his full trust again. I couldn't have guessed that he would resort to something as petty as vengeance. Shepard despite her many faults is the only hope we have against the Reapers, despite leaving a trail of enemies in her wake, she also forges friendships and loyalty that seems to last an eternity. It is true Shepard is not a human patriot, but she does care about humanity and has given everything she has and more to protect it. I would never think that the Illusive Man would risk the fate of humanity because he didn't get his way."

Miranda was quiet for a moment and Kelly took the moment to interject and get her back on track, "So start at the beginning."

Miranda looked at her, "I was on the way to go to one of Cerberus's strongholds to see the Illusive Man, and I must have been drugged because the next thing I know is that I'm naked, bound in manacles that were meant for Jack to control her biotics, and in front of the Illusive Man." Miranda was quiet for a second, "I quickly reminded him that Shepard, despite our falling out, would not stand for how I was being treated and if she found out well... he would pay. But he didn't seem bothered; quite the opposite. He planned to use me against her, to make Shepard into his puppet. Whether it would be his sexual puppet I am unsure but he wanted some form of vengeance on the Commander."

"What did he do?"

Miranda frowned, as angry as she was at Jade she couldn't sell her out not after everything that they had been through. "He merely showed me similar they were," Miranda stated finally.

"They—?" Kelly prompted.

"The Illusive Man and the Commander," Miranda replied sullenly. "He showed me that Shepard didn't mind crossing lines several of them to get what she wanted. And just like the Illusive Man she leaves me with more questions about her history. Rape may not appeal to her and it's true that she would never do it to another person but she knows just when to use it as a weapon."

"The Commander has never claimed to be a paragon of virtue, if I remember correctly there was a case where she pushed a man out of a window and down to his death because he wouldn't give her the information she wanted and she smiled while doing it. This is of course coming from Jack so I'm not sure how I should take that information. She does what it takes to get the job done I thought that this was clear."

Miranda looked at Kelly, "It would be worrying if the Commander hesitated before she killed someone. And that kill was justified, true it would have been kinder to simply shoot him, but the result was the same he was dead. When she rescued me she also saved one of the scientists that put the chip inside me. He was one of the nicer people who used me but he had used me none the less, when they had removed the chip and she had finally woken up he had been there. Begging her for her forgiveness and to plead his case to Shepard. "To suggest that the Commander is above raping someone to get what she wants is nonsense, if she needed information and she was sure that was the only way then you know just as well as I she would do it. She may not get off and have fantasies of it like the Illusive Man does but if it would break someone faster if it would help her in her mission she would not even think twice about it."

Kelly was quiet there was nothing to say, Miranda clearly knew something that she didn't know and it was pointless to argue with her now, "But the Illusive Man isn't the one that is putting his soul on the line for the good of humanity, Shepard is on the front lines at all times, she has to make the decision who lives and who dies in seconds. She can not hesitate like you said or even more people will die. She carries the garbage that she knows that you can't handle, without a second thought, when she stopped you from killing Niket, or Garrus from killing that turian on the citadel, or even Mordin and his student, she knew exactly what she was doing. You of all know people should know that she is hanging onto the last threads of humanity desperately for everyone else sake. What I find more worrying is that you are holding her to a higher standard and expectations that no one could and she's trying to meet them. This quasi-relationship will soon explode if it hasn't all ready. You know it's unreasonable to hold Shepard to that high of a standard, I'm sure you have done some morally questionable things in the past as well for what you believed to be the greater good. She didn't rape you, she was close but she didn't, she's given you your space you've defined the relationship. She understands more than you're giving her credit for and she wants to help you she wants to be the one that helps you heal."

Miranda paused for a second soaking up what Kelly had said, she didn't need a lecture she needed to get back to normal, she wanted the cracks to be less visible. "The first time he used me...he made me beg for it. I could hear my voice, I could feel my hands my fingers running all over my body...he had ordered me to please himself for him but he had denied me reaching the peak..." Miranda said changing the subject attempting to keep her voice strong.

Kelly blinked surprised at the change of subject and the subject matter. It was a breakthrough of sorts but she had to wonder why now of all times, why was it that at this point in time she was finally having a breakthrough. But for now she would take it.


End file.
